State of the Union

     

On Tuesday evening I sat down to watch President Obama’s State of the Union Address. Apparently this is what mature adults do, or at least adults whose tv shows have been postponed for the address. I’ve watched parts of the address with my parents before, but never have I sat down to watch the entire thing. The first fifteen minutes or so was our president shaking hands with lots of other important people, so by the time he finally spoke I was more than ready to hear every word. Unfortunately, as soon as no more than 10 words came out of President Obama’s mouth, the crowd erupted in cheers. The clapping went on for a moment, and then the president said another 10 words. Again, applause rang through the capitol. After a minute or two the cheers were silenced. Barack opened his mouth again. Not only did he say one sentence, but TWO sentences! The crowd erupted into cheers and THERE WAS A STANDING OVATION. I repeat: THERE WAS A STANDING OVATION DURING THE FIRST MINUTE OF THE SPEECH AND NO ONE EVEN WON A TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good standing ovation as much as anyone else, but I was beginning to think that Barack had planned seven minutes worth of speaking and had allotted 49 hours towards cheering. Fortunately the crowd started to let him speak more, he was able to say more than 12 words without fireworks going off, and he delivered a great address. However, as I was watching the cheering I thought to myself, “If I was President, I would make sure there would definitely be no clapping at my State of the Union Address.” Then I realized that if there would be no clapping at my address, I would actually have time to speak to America, so I wrote down exactly what I thought American needed to know: (Note: I tried to email this to Barack as he was standing at the Capitol, but he must not have had his iPhone on him)

First, I would start off by giving the country the Webster’s dictionary definition of the word ‘America.’ (I’ve learned from every youth talk during Sacrament meeting that this is the only way to start a talk.) There will obviously be no applause, but I will pause .078 seconds for a small chortle.

Next, I will talk about the great advances in technology that we saw during 2014. The most important, of course, being the pulley system. (For those Americans who are uninformed: my kitchen window faces the kitchen window of our neighboring apartment. We got together with them to create a pulley system between the two apartments using some pulleys, a strong cord, and my adorable flower girl basket.) Next to visiting my parent’s home, this has proved to be the easiest way to accumulate free food. Not only are all my neighbors nice, but they’re also good cooks. Unfortunately for them they probably saw the error of their ways the day the system was installed and in exchange for heavenly homemade egg rolls, our apartment offering were blackened cookies that were supposed to be cooked for 7 minutes, not 7 hours. Nevertheless, trade and technology is going well on that front.  

Now would be the time to make promises. Politicians get a bad rap for promising things they’ll never do, so I feel like if they’re going to lie they might as well lie big. During his address President Obama talked about making community college free. I think this is awesome, and I’m all for a more educated country. However, I would not only try to make community college free, but I’d also give every American a free jet pack. How else will people get to college or work? (There’s probably some political minded person out there thinking, “Rachel’s just using satire when she’s suggesting giving everyone a jetpack because she really thinks that sending people to college for free is incredibly expensive and absurd sounding.” WRONG. Jet packs are just super awesome, and so is college.) After this little bit of my speech people will be very tempted to jump from their seats and applaud, but I will wait only .49 seconds for people to breathe in excitedly before I move on.   

My next item of business would be to get rid of the acronym POTUS, which apparently stands for ‘President of the United States.’ Upon reading it the first time on Twitter, I thought it was either a bill waiting to be passed or a deadly disease. This will be the part in the speech where people suggest new names, hopefully with someone suggesting ‘Queen Rachel.’

After that, I will move on to the thanking portion of the speech. This is similar to the Academy Awards, where I will thank my mom, dad, siblings, friends, teachers, and all my peers who created and filled out class google docs during my time at college. The next optional part of the speech will include the unthanks, where I will unthank all those who did not vote for me and the pizza man who promised my pizza would be delivered in 10 minutes and instead arrived in 30. (That part of the speech will only be given if rotten tomatoes have not already been thrown.)

Following is the fact portion, where I will spew off facts about our country, making sure to end all sentences with “…or is it?!” and a loud cackle. For example: “The tax rate is going down….or is it?!?”

After all is said and done, I’d make sure to remind the citizens of the country how wonderful they are. Sure, there are people who lie or cheat or steal. There are people who will just take advantage of others and only look out for themselves. But the good people are outshining the bad. There are people out there that are buying lunch for the person behind them at the drive through, and there are people who are choosing to be honest. There are mothers and fathers everywhere whose first thought when they wake up is how to help their kids. There are people who will let you in on a busy lane on the freeway and roommates who randomly make your bed or text you to let you know they care. There are neighbors that are shoveling sidewalks and strangers smiling and Americans changing the world for better. Let that be you.  

And then, with no applause, I will take off in my jet pack through the secret skylight in the Capitol.

Now is the Time for Revolution

     Last week, as I was spending my Christmas break at my parent’s house with most of my siblings, the topic of Christmas cards came up. Every year my mom sends out a card and a letter, giving a little snippet of things each person in the family has done in the past year. Some Christmas cards have not turned out as well as others. For example, two years ago I sat down to read the card and read all about the incredible escapades of my highly intelligent brother graduating with his highly intelligent master’s degree, along with his highly intelligent wife, who were both expecting a highly intelligent son. I then read about my incredibly talented brother who was the president of an incredibly talented club. I then reached my paragraph of the letter: "Rachel is in her second year at BYU and majoring in Elementary Education. When she isn't spending time with family or friends, she is eating at Cafe Rio." THAT WAS IT. Apparently eating a Cafe Rio pork salad is equivalent in coolness to earning a master’s degree. The letter then moved on to talk about my next brother, who was also graduating, played with his band at Carnegie Hall, was getting his mission call, and solving world hunger in his free time. (In total honesty, this was the best and most hilarious Christmas card my mother has sent out.)

  Because I suffer from middle child syndrome, I obviously believe that my section should be the biggest and best part of the Christmas card. I will be the second person to rave about how talented and incredible my siblings are, (The first would be my great-grandmother, who before passing away a few years ago would insist that one of the Hardy children was going places, and it was definitely the youngest child. Upon receiving school pictures of us she praised me on how beautiful I finally had become. Tragically, I had to point out the picture was actually of my sister, and I still looked the same as always.) but I am always trying to figure out how to make my section a little bit more important. As I was discussing this with my siblings last week, my brother informed me that there was no way I would be taking home the bragging rights for 2015 because he's getting married. (The joke is on them, though, as I plan to insert myself in all of their wedding photos.) My sister did not take my brother's challenge lightly, and informed us all that not only will she be married to make it in the family card, but she will also have a child. I told them all that not only will I graduate college, but I planned to spend some time in jail as to really spice up the card. (Just to clarify, my sister and I were both joking. She will not be a child bride, and I will not be spending time in jail, unless my brother and his fiancée decide to sue me for photobombing all wedding photos.)

     I've never been very good at making New Year's Resolutions. Perhaps this is because the word 'resolution' and I have never been very agreeable with one another. (This is because as I child I gave a primary talk, written by my dad, all about making resolutions at the beginning of the year. I insisted that I would read my own talk, not stooping to the level of illiteracy of the Sunbeams. Unfortunately I had heard of the words 'resolution' and 'revolution' and figured they were the same thing. Wrong. So there I was, standing in front of the primary, telling the other kids that one of the prophets had counseled that "Now is the time for revolution!!" Fortunately I did not create a rebellion, but I did hear my family members laughing for the next 15 years.) However, I figured that if I wanted to reach my goal of being the best part of next year's Christmas card, I needed to shape up, so I've compiled a list.

     Rachel's 2015 Resolutions 

Do what you say you're going to do: One of my best friends, Emmie, loves Christmas. She got her advent calendar weeks in advance this year. Every time we went to the grocery store, she would tell me I needed to get into the holiday spirit and buy one. I informed her that I didn't need to buy one because I could make my own personal calendar. A bite sized piece of chocolate every day wasn't enough to get me excited, so I told her my own calendar would be filled with an apple pie one day, 3 bowls of ice cream the next day, a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies the day after that, all coming up to Christmas day. I used this excuse every single time Emmie told me to buy an advent calendar, until one day she pointed out that my calendar doesn't work because I didn't actually eat all that food. This taught me the importance of doing what I say I'm going to do. In 2015 I will make an outrageous advent calendar, and I will eat the whole thing. 

When you start something, finish it: This past year Emmie and I went to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant, El Azteca. I told the cashier that I wanted the nachos, and we sat down to wait for our food. As we were catching up on the day's events, a small woman with a platter at least one and a half feet long walked out of the kitchen. She had a gigantic smile that covered her entire face and almost started laughing as she neared our table. She was carrying more than her weight in nachos, right over to my table. (Unfortunately the picture does not do the continent-sized platter justice) She laughed as she set it down on the table, and the cashier laughed from the front of the restaurant. Even other restaurant goers were pointing and laughing, because there I was, sitting behind a platter of nachos that could have fed a large mariachi band. Emmie and I got a pretty good laugh, and I hardly made a dent in them before I asked the waiter to get me 29 to-go boxes. This year, 2015, I'm going to finish what I start. I'm going to order the nachos and eat the whole thing. When I say I'm going to take a nap, I'm going to nap all afternoon. When I start watching a new show on tv, I will do no homework until I finish the entire season.

No Regrets: This is a year to live life with no regrets. After Thanksgiving, my mom sent me home with almost an entire pumpkin pie. It was heavenly. I had many delicious slices. Unfortunately, one day I put it in the back of the fridge along with a bunch of vegetables that I pretend do not exist. And then, like the vegetables, I forgot that the delicious pie was in my fridge. A few weeks later I pulled the pie out, mortified. I had ruined a perfectly good pie. I had taken all the sunshine in the world and had thrown it in the back of the fridge with a bunch of black tomatoes. Sometimes there's a voice in our minds that tells us that we're not good enough, and that we never will be. Sometimes that voice tells us that we're not pretty enough. Sometimes it tells us we're not smart or funny enough. The little voice in my head rings loud and clear, specifically on fast Sundays, screaming, "Remember that delectable pie you wasted?! You could've solved world hunger with that, you dummy!!" So then I go home and eat everything there is in the fridge, in order to not be wasteful. In 2015 I am NOT going to let that pie go bad, thus living life without regret.

I was once taught in a seminary class how to make and keep goals. The one particular thing that I remember is that it is important to reward yourself for keeping your goals. So, if I meet all my goals, I am going to have a banquet in my honor, on the moon, hosted by President Barack Obama. There will plenty of nachos for you all. Hope to see you there.  

Sorry You Didn't Receive the Gift that is Actually Nonexistent: A Christmas Gift Giving Guide

Do give coupons: Remember when you were in first grade and your school teacher helped you make coupons for your parents for free car washes and breakfast in bed? My parents thought they were so cute they wouldn't even use them, they just put them in the "cute things Rachel did, but not cute enough to put them on the fridge" pile. The great news is that these coupons never stopped being awesome! I still give a stack of coupons to both my parents every year and they are always greeted with "Wow!" and "I never would've guessed that this is what you would get me!" If you are good at ignoring sarcasm, they sound pretty excited. There are many benefits to giving coupons as gifts. Obviously it fits well into my college Christmas present budget, which is approximately $0.02 per family member. Another great thing is that my track record for my dad using my coupons is currently 0 for 389. I could promise to take my dad to the moon and would be in the back yard, busily preparing for take off and my dad probably wouldn't even use them. This is great because since they are never used, you can promise to do anything and never actually have to do it. Another great thing about coupons is that you can get really creative with them. It is not rare to give my mother a coupon granting her permission to take me to Hawaii, or letting my dad take me to Chicago to see a Cubs game. I have also been known to make coupons offering the service of my siblings, which usually goes over very well. (As long as "very well" means that my siblings get really confused but don't take me to jail for forgery.)

Don't buy something for someone that someone else wanted. When I was younger, I really wanted a life sized Barbie doll. I had seen them throughout the holiday ads and mentioned it to my parents, but as the financially responsible 8 year old I was, I realized it was way too expensive to expect under the tree. Christmas came and went, and I probably wasn't even very sad I didn't receive it because as a financially responsible 8 year old I most likely realized my parents were saving up for my college education. You know, just your mature 8 year old. A few Christmases passed, and my wish list changed from Barbies to things like palm pilots, since every 13 year old needs a good personal digital assistant. (You think I'm joking, but I got one and it totally rocked. I was rarely late to any play dates and I always knew how much my parents should tip the waiter.) The morning of Christmas, my little sister had a gigantic box to open. As she tore off the wrapping, there, in all it's glory, stood a life sized Barbie. And it didn't even have my name on it. I think my sister must have said something like, "Oh, well that's pretty cool." Pretty cool?!? Pretty cool!? Santa brings you a 3 foot Barbie doll with two different outfits and clips for her hair AND YOU JUST THINK IT'S PRETTY COOL?!? A gift my sister didn't even ask for. So there I was, opening up my digital planner and started my first journal entry entitled, 'Santa can Apparently Bring Worse Things than Coal, Like Broken Dreams.'

Do wrap your present in an even bigger box, and then put puzzle pieces in said box. This completely throws people off when they're trying to guess what you actually purchased for them.

Don't ever ask, "Well what do you think I got you?" This gives time for people to list off things that they actually wanted to receive from you, instead of the coupon you created for them granting them permission to do your dishes. Set low expectations.

Do think things through before giving a gift. When I am purchasing a gift for someone, I like to think, "Would the person I am giving this gift to use it to make my life miserable?" For example, my mother is a big fan of practical gifts. She loves receiving gifts that make her life easier, and doesn't really mind receiving household items. However, if my mom asked for a vacuum for Christmas, I would most certainly not purchase her a vacuum because then she would actually make me use it. It's important to remember everything is a risk, unfortunately. One year my mom mentioned she would like some Christmas-y dishes for the holiday season, so I made sure to purchase the dessert platter instead of the vegetable tray. Imagine my dismay when the day after the platter was opened it was used to hold carrots, none of which were covered in Nutella.

Don't forget to make/buy gifts for people you probably should give to. If you do, that person you forgot to shop for will probably stop by your house unexpectedly to give you a super thoughtful gift featuring everything you like in the world, probably costing 7 trillion dollars. You will then be forced to run into the other room, grab something from your stocking that Santa Claus just delivered to you, put a bow on it, and give it to your friend. Your family will be in the other room, laughing at you. This experience once again showed that my decision making skills start to crumble during pressure, joining the many times I've been walking in the dark and have started to run away from dark, dangerous animals that turn out to be people on skateboards.

Do talk up your gift if it can't be fact checked. More than once in my life, someone has said, "I can't wait to see what you got me! I'm sure it's awesome!" More than once in my life I have also explained that I have shot off fireworks or rented a plane to write in the sky, 'Congratulations!' or 'Happy Birthday!'. This is totally fine because it can't be fact checked. If someone said they never saw it, I explain how sad it was they must not have been looking at the sky because the gift was THE COOLEST THING EVER. This way the receiver of the nonexistent gift feels sad, not you, the thoughtless person that you are.

May you all give dessert plates that are used as dessert plates, and may you receive the life sized Barbie doll you always wanted.

The Little Engine that Couldn't

     Last week I was able to spend my Thanksgiving in the beautiful land of T-Rex (Rexburg), Idaho with my family. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, along with Christmas, National Donut Day, and Columbus Day. But Thanksgiving is by far my favorite because it incorporates my favorite things: eating a large meal, spending time with family, playing and watching football, napping, and eating apple pie for breakfast the next day. All the while, people are counting their blessings and taking time to notice what they do have, instead of what they don't. Here are a few blessings that I counted during my Thanksgiving break:

Friends: The week before I set out to drive to T-Rex, one of my car tires looked incredibly low. I've never filled my tires with air before, so my best friend Cami offered to come help me. She didn't even complain that we had to go fill the tires in the freezing cold! I also got to see my good friend Melissa when I got to T-Rex. Melissa is one of those people that makes you want to live up to your potential and I was so grateful I got to see her.

Maps: When I mentioned that I needed to look up how to get from my apartment to Idaho, my dad just said, "Rachel. You get on the freeway. You get off the freeway 4 hours later. That's all." But since I'm the person who called my mom when I couldn't find Target last week, I was pretty sure I couldn't handle driving to another state. When I arrived in T-Rex and hadn't called my parents OR begged some random farmer for directions, I gave myself a big pat on the back and told myself that I was truly a prodigy.

Temples and my family:  While in town I got to do a lot of fun things with my family, but one of the best parts was going to go do baptisms for the dead with my entire family (minus one of my brothers, who's on a mission) at the LDS temple. It was such a great experience to do that as a family, and I'm so grateful to have family around to always help me become my best self.

Birthday Cakes and Mom: Even though my birthday isn't for another 11 months, my mother made me my special lemon birthday cake because we weren't together on my last birthday.

Costumes and my sister: Continuing our tradition from last year, my sister and I dressed up for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately we were not met with the same maturity that the original pilgrims and Indians were met with. I'm grateful I have a sister who does such random things with me!

Warm Weather: When my family was moving to T-Rex, all I heard about was how terribly frigid the winters were. "Wait until your nose hairs freeze!" my brother would always tell me. Just the week before I got there, the wind chill was supposed to be between -20 degrees and -40 degrees. However, when I got there, the weather was pretty nice! We even got to play football in our backyard in short sleeved shirts. However, the last day or two I was there the weather started to get nasty again. And whenever I went outside to get to my car you could hear me screaming against the wind to my dad, "COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY WORSE PLACE THAN THIS?!?"

Antifreeze, Cell Phones, Prayer, and My Parents: When my mom asked me when I was driving back to Utah, I told her I would stay until the last minute possible, as per usual. Obviously that meant staying until at least dinner, so I could maximize the number of home cooked meals. Multiple times my mom would tell me how she wanted me to leave earlier, because she didn't want me to drive in the dark. She constantly said over and over again how if something wrong happened with my car, she didn't want me to have troubles in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. She didn't want me to have to drive through a snowstorm. She didn't want me to fall asleep at the wheel. My mom loves me a lot, which is why she worries about me a lot. Every time after she expressed her worries, I would say, "That's okay. I'll be fine." Then I would remind her that I've driven in the dark and the snow, I sing very loudly to keep myself awake, and I have the ability to consume pounds and pounds of pasta, just in case someone kidnaps me at the creepy gas station in the middle of nowhere and won't let me go until I eat 10 bowls of three cheese ravioli. Obviously, I was not worried.
      I set off to Provo right after dinner, and planned to get to my apartment at 10. I made a wrong turn when I was trying to find the freeway, but eventually found the entrance. "Well that started this trip out on the right note," I said, and laughed to myself longer than necessary, because I wasn't worried about getting back. I was cruising for 45 minutes, and then my 'Check Engine Soon' sign turned on. I didn't let that bother me, because my car has a history of that light turning on and off again, with hardly any reason at all. In fact, I mentioned it in my previous blog post, laughing at the fact that it finally turned off again.
     I drove for another 45 minutes and had reached the city of Pocatello. The speed limit is slower there,  so I started slowing the car down as I drove through the city. Just as I was leaving Pocatello I tried to accelerate my car, and nothing was happening. I couldn't go any faster. In fact, I was going slower. Then my car started jerking. I was still moving forward, but it was somewhat reminiscent of the day I first learned to drive, when I would move two feet and then slam on the breaks. All of a sudden my car could only go 60 miles per hour. Then 40. Then 30. The heater turned off and freezing air started coming through the vents into my car, and immediately I think that since it's getting colder, dementors are coming to steal my soul, like in Harry Potter. The independent college girl who had assured her mother that driving at night would be no problem, and that she could inhale 50 plates of pasta on demand was all of a sudden driving 30 miles an hour on the freeway in a car that was jerking more than the Dinosaur Drop ride at Lagoon with dementors after her. I started to pull over, but as I did the car stopped jerking, so I got back on the freeway. No more than 10 feet later, it started jerking again. Fortunately there was an exit just up ahead, and I was really looking forward to pulling into a gas station and looking at my car. As per Idaho stereotype, the exit instead led me to a middle of nowhereish road, no people, and no gas stations in sight. I found a place to park and called my parents. I specifically called my dad, as to not worry my mom. However, when the person picked up on the other end, it was definitely my mom. After our hellos, she asked if everything was okay. Obviously I started off by telling her that everything was great!

Then I looked out my window and remembered that the only other thing that that could hear me were cows, so I told her what really happened. When I was talking to my parents, however, I started my car and it was acting fine! I decided to see how far it would take me, with a promise to call back if there were problems. I got back on the freeway at normal speed. I had gone less than a mile when the car started jerking again. I called back home, and my dad promised to come get me. We also agreed that my mom definitely should have warned me that I shouldn't drive at night in the middle of nowhere, because there may be problems with my car. (Obviously not. But when I was on the phone with my dad I'm not sure if it was my mother or the voice in my head that sounds exactly like my mother that said, "This is why you don't drive to Utah at night!!")
     So there I sat, on the side of the freeway in the middle of some Idaho farmland right next to mile marker 60, losing feeling in my feet because it was so cold. Just as I was beginning to wonder if I really was in a state where people actually lived, or if I truly was the only one left during a zombie apocolypse, a cop pulled up to help me find the problem of my car, which was that I was all out of antifreeze, even though I had just filled it up the week before. (He also gave me some flares to put around my car, which would be awesome if I wasn't terrified of fire. Unfortunately, he gave it to the girl who made her roommate light her jack-o-latern on Halloween so she wouldn't have to get too close. Nevertheless, it was a nice thought.)

And then, two hours later, my dad arrived at mile marker 60, a container of antifreeze in his hand. Not only did he help me get the car up and running, but he followed me for the next 45 miles to make sure we thought my car would last through the night, with the promise of following me all the way to Provo if he needed to. Once the antifreeze was full again, my car was seemingly back to normal. (I found out later that I had a cracked radiator, which is why even though I had filled the antifreeze just a few weeks prior, it was completely drained.) Once my dad and I reached Malad, he drove the two hours back to T-Rex, and I drove the two hours to Provo. Yes, I arrived in Provo in the early hours of the morning in a car I knew I would need to take in to the repair shop for hundreds of dollars in repairs. Yes, I was exhausted and had seemingly just wasted a lot of time doing nothing. However, I was grateful. I'm so grateful that my car broke down in a place where my cell phone had service. I'm grateful that I have a dad that left the house to come save me without an extra thought, and didn't even seem to mind that he would be up all night. I'm grateful for a dad who works hard, and let me know that making sure I was okay was more important than his workday the next day. I'm grateful for a mom who waits up to make sure I get where I'm going safely, even if it's hours away. I'm grateful for a mother who insisted I take half a pumpkin pie back to Provo, along with half of the family food storage. I'm grateful for parents who give me a glimpse of how much my Heavenly parents must love me. I'm grateful that I could get back to Provo safely from spending a lovely week with the people I love most. I'm grateful for all the friends that I can count on that could've come to help me with my car. I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who listened to my constant prayers when I asked him for help to know what to do. I'm grateful for a sense of humor, so not only can I laugh about the experience now, but while it was happening, in the dark, beautiful fields of Idaho.

There are always things to be grateful for, and from now on, I'm going to act like it.

P.S. Mom, you were right.(Again)

Pardon My French: Things People Should Never Say

If I was the president of the world, there would be a few things people wouldn't be allowed to say. Teachers wouldn't be able to give unnecessary lectures about how you shouldn't start a project the night before it's due, and dentists wouldn't be allowed to tell your parents that you've neglected to floss for the past 37 months and therefore have a mouth full of cavities. Unfortunately I have been a little too busy to be campaigning for president, but in the meantime I have created a list of things that have actually been said to me in the past month that would not be okay under my rule:

1.When my birthday rolled around I went to the DMV to renew my driver's license. I gave the man at the front desk my documents and sat down to get my picture taken. After the man instructed me to say cheese and the camera clicked, he said, "Looks great! Let's just...oh. Sweetheart, you have a darling smile, but we're going to need to take that one again." Apparently when I smile too big, it's a tad bit difficult to see my eyes, so the man told me to not smile as big. Sorry world, I am apparently too happy to have a driver's license. He took the picture again, this time with me trying to smile with my eyes wide open, which slightly resembled a face that Ronald McDonald would make. The man looked at the picture, then up and me, and said, "Um, okay. We'll see." The Ronald McDonald photo is now on my license. I wish I could say that this was the only time I've ever had to try to take a good driver's license picture multiple times, but when I first got my permit the lady taking the picture sat me down and told me, "No big smiles." When she was just about to snap the picture, my mom jumped in to fix my hair, so the picture ended up being a nice memory of my mom always having my back. (At least that's what I thought, until the grumpy DMV lady deleted it and insisted we take a new one.) By that time I was laughing so hard that my eyes couldn't be seen at all.   

2. How's everything going, sir? This is something completely fine to say to a man on the subway, a father waiting for his meal at a restaurant, one of those 9 year old prodigy billionaires who thinks they need a butler, or a grandpa playing golf. This is NOT something that should be said to a college girl at the grocery store. But after the cashier asked me this, I flipped my hair and girlishly giggled as I daintily swiped my debit card to pay for my groceries. Then I happily pranced off with my food. By the time that I got home, I realized I had devastatingly left a bag of groceries at the store. But I refused to go retrieve it because I AM APPARENTLY VERY MANLY AND HUNT FOR FOOD ON MY OWN. Really though, I didn't go back to get my last bag of groceries because I figured that an establishment that mistook me for a man is also probably an establishment that would want to poison me.

3. What's that smell? Again, this phrase is okay in specific cases, like if someone has bought you a surprise burrito and they are giving it to you as a surprise. You should not have to ask yourself, however, what the stench emitting from your backpack is, because you should NOT have left oranges at the bottom of your backpack for a month. In the morning when I pack my lunches I think I'm being really awesome because I'm being healthy by packing fresh fruits and vegetables, but let me say that this has only ended in pain, heartache, and toxic fumes. I formally apologize to the people I take classes with and the entire campus of BYU. Fermented orange juice is on me.

4. "Rachel, this looks like something you would definitely wear!" This sentence is usually proceeded by someone holding up some weird sweater that looks like it was knit out of rodent hair. There truly is no better way to tell someone that their style was actually never in style.

4. Check Engine Soon. The 'Check Engine Soon' light in my car is almost there as often as the steering wheel is. It turned on years ago, and every time I go get it fixed it turns right back on again. I now use the word 'soon' very relatively. For example, some people say, "I'll see you soon." when they are five minutes away from their friend's house, but then you hear reports about how 'soon global warming will destroy our entire atmosphere'. I prefer to take the global warming approach, and take my car in to get fixed as little as possible. I learned this week when the light randomly turned off that 'Check Engine Soon' actually means to check your engine soon, or wait 11 months and it'll all get figured out on its own.

5. People often use air quotes when they are saying something that they don't believe themselves. For example, I would use air quotes when saying, "Eating eight donuts for breakfast is a bad idea." I usually use my 'why am I surrounded by fools?' tone of voice and then attempt to roll my eyes so hard that they get close to falling out of their sockets. This, however, that I found at the school I teach at, was not the best use of quotes:

I'm sure the students would "love" to have "yummy" pumpkin pie. I'm sure they would also "love" if the whipped cream was made of brussel sprouts. Quotes just add confusion and sarcasm.

In case you are reading this and thinking that I'm only accusing others, please know that I asked a group of guys today how their freshman year was going, when it turns out they are in their third year. Needless to say, that was the end of the conversation.

May you all have perfect driver's license pictures on the first try.

The Unbreakable Vow

There is only one important rule in the Hardy family. This is not to say that we only have one rule, or that my siblings and I grew up as savages. We had the usual put your dishes in the dishwasher, be home by curfew, eat your vegetables (I only violated this one once or 5,000 times), and do your chores. My parents taught us to get along and that we needed to learn to laugh at ourselves or we would be missing a lot of great humor. I even found this family rules list created by my younger brother for his scout troop. Clearly our priorities are in order.

These rules are all important, but if you asked my dad what the greatest thing he's taught me is, it wouldn't be any of those. There is one important rule in the Hardy family: Never leave a sporting event early. Never.  Not when it's raining. Not when it's blizzarding. Not if it's getting dark. Not when it's too cold or too hot, not if the half time show is boring, not if you're sitting in the nosebleeds. Not if you want to leave early to avoid traffic. Not even if it's late, you have a long drive home, you forgot a jacket, and you're sopping wet because a tsunami just hit the field. It doesn't matter if you're bored or if it's already very clear who the winner of the game is. There is no asterisk next to our one family rule, and there never will be. You can NOT leave a sporting event early.

My siblings and I have all learned this the hard way. I can't count the number of games I've been to with my dad, some harder to follow the family rule than others. My dad would take me to the BYU football games, some of them being incredibly frigid. I remember sitting there on the frozen bleachers shaking in my coat. Would we leave the game early if I shook so much that I shook the rest of the fans off the bleachers? Would we leave early if my eyelids froze shut? Would we go if it snowed so much that we couldn't see the game? Would we leave early if the entire football team slipped on ice and broke their backs? Would we leave early if I died of frostbite? I didn't even have to say a word as my dad turned to me and said, "We're not leaving the game early, but I'll buy you some hot chocolate."

This is a family rule I grew to love. No matter the game, the score, or the temperature, we stayed. Sometimes it was just me and my dad, and sometimes my siblings came too, but we stayed. The rule came about because of my dad's true love of sports, and it has certainly instilled that love in me. It's also been a great way for me to spend time with members of my family. When I moved to college, I still tried to go to as many games as I could. I spent hours at games with my friends cheering on my favorite team. One football game my freshman year, the group I was with decided to leave after the third quarter because they were hungry. For a small moment I figured they had a good point. The game was late at night and the winner was clear. I then remembered that on the other side of Lavell Edwards stadium, thousands of people away, was my dad. And here were my friends, telling me they were hungry. WHO DID THEY THINK THEY WERE?! They thought they could just get up and leave with 15 minutes of football time left to go?! Didn't they know that so much could still happen? Didn't they know we needed to be there for our team?! Didn't they know the family rule?! It was then that I learned that not everyone has the same rules as my family, and this one is just a little too hard to explain sometimes. So I left. And I felt horrible.

I haven't left many games early since then, so I guess it's like father like daughter. Those who know me well are now very aware of the family rule. Last night I went to the BYU/Utah State football game with one of my very best friends, Emmie. Within the first few minutes of the game, BYU scored and the crowd was electric. It didn't take too long, however, for Utah State to catch up. Injuries were happening left and right, and it seemed like the Cougars couldn't complete a single pass. The Aggies kept making great plays, and by the fourth quarter streams of people were leaving. There was hardly anyone left sitting around us, and it was getting even colder. As another interception was thrown with BYU being already down two touchdowns, there was a pretty clear winner. A friend sitting next to us said he was leaving and offered us a ride home. Yes, it was late. It was cold. It was going to take a handful of miracles for BYU to win the game. Of course people were going to leave. Before I had time to say anything, in the truest act of friendship Emmie said, "We can't go. Rachel has this really important family rule where they can't leave the game early." 97 CHEERS FOR EMILY BUMA. If there was an award for being a really great human being, Emmie would not only be a winner, but it would also probably be named after her. She was definitely ready to go, but she knew that staying until the end was important to me. (In case you're wondering how truly great she is, let me just tell you that last week we went to the movies and bought a jumbo container of popcorn. We got a refill right before we left and as she was driving us home I accidentally tipped THE ENTIRE CONTAINER OF POPCORN ALL OVER THE PASSENGER SEAT. No, I'm not talking a couple of pieces. The container fell out of my hands and was completely empty when I picked it up. I was all of a sudden knee deep in buttery goodness, and all Emmie did was laugh. She wasn't even angry when I informed her she would smell like popcorn for the rest of her life. Yes, she's wonderful.) 

So we stayed until the very last second of the very last quarter. And even though BYU lost, I still felt a kind of happiness inside. On our way home I texted my dad and said he should be extra proud of us for staying. "I'm glad you maintained your integrity" was the reply.

10 Averagely Cool Things You can do in T-Rex, Idaho

Lebron James took his talent to South Beach (and then back again) and my family took their talents to Rexburg, Idaho. In July, my mom informed me that my dad was going to be interviewing for a job there, but this didn't bother me too much. I figured that my dad would never take a job in Rexburg because he would have to make the connection that if he worked in Rexburg, he would have to LIVE in Rexburg. Not that Rexburg is a bad place, but you would think that my family couldn't even bear the thought of leaving the state where I was continuing my education, right? Wrong.

Within a month, my dad was offered a job in the middle of nowhere, my family packed up the house that was in the middle of somewhere, denied a humble but sincere offer on the house made by a beautiful, intelligent college student (you would have thought that they would have remembered that my birthday is coming up. Also, $50 is a pretty good deal for a house with carpet that my sister and I accidentally painted), sold the house to someone that was not me, and proceeded to move to the middle of nowhere. In the middle of all that, you could find me sitting at the kitchen bar crying, "What if I need a Halloween costume?! What if I need a sleeping bag?! What if I need art supplies?!" It was then that I learned that apparently when college students need something, they usually just go to the store and buy it instead of travelling home and stealing everything that my family owns. This is a novel idea, which I may try someday.

Before classes at BYU started, I decided to make the trek up to T-Rex to see the city before my family officially moved there. (Yes, I now call Rexburg T-Rex for obvious reasons of coolness.)  Sometimes a small town is described as a one horse town. I think a more accurate description of T-Rex would be a one pony town. Or maybe a one guinea pig town. Or better yet, a one potato town. It's true, on the first glance, there's nothing there but BYU- Idaho and a bunch of fields. On the 80th glance, that's probably the same thing you'll see. But with 4 days to spend in T-Rex, my mom and I were determined to see the sights. Like what I would do if I were going to visit Venice or London, I googled the best things to do there. With only 4 days there, I didn't want to spend my precious vacation time at any boring places. So I did my research. I was actually pleasantly surprised at what I found. There were hikes, waterfalls, sand dunes, craters, and plenty of places to explore! I began to think that not only should my family move here, but that I should probably transfer to BYU-Idaho, buy a "Idaho is my Ida-HOME" t-shirt and set up camp for the rest of my life. Upon further research, however, I realized that my google searches didn't bring up things to do in Rexburg, but things to do NEAR Rexburg. Things to do CLOSE TO Rexburg. Things that were in the same STATE as Rexburg. NEARBY REXBURG AND CLOSE TO REXBURG ARE NOT THE SAME AS BEING IN REXBURG, FOLKS. Quite frankly, I am surprised that someone didn't claim that the Eiffel Tower is something cool to see in Rexburg, because technically Rexburg and the Eiffel Tower are on the same planet, and Rexburg and France both have a 'R' in their name. So I did more research and found an actual article of things to do without leaving T-Rex. The result had my mother and I laughing so hard we were crying, unless they were real tears, because some of the suggestions were so hilarious: Go to the gym. Take a bubble bath. Drink hot chocolate. Do service. Yes, these are all great ideas if you are bored, but you could also do any of those things in the Sahara Desert, if you really wanted. So instead of sitting in the hotel reading articles about T-Rex for the entire week, my mom and I decided to go see what the town has to offer. I have now created my own list:

 Averagely Fun Things to Do in T-Rex

 

 1. Eat lunch at the Madison Middle School parking lot. When we first got to T-Rex, we had our sack lunches and nowhere to stay, so we had our lunch here. There was a great view of the parking lot and probably the best view of the highway in Rexburg that anyone will ever have. An added bonus is that people will probably stare at you because you look homeless.

2. Buy ice cream at Dairy Queen. My mom usually makes after-school snacks, but since we didn't officially have a kitchen yet, Dairy Queen stepped up to the plate.

3. Go to the Madison County Library. Not only do their computers have internet, but they also have a thrilling anime book series about a prince of tennis that I found as my siblings did their homework. Also the library features a bathroom, which will be useful to you in case you move to Rexburg but you don't officially have a house yet.





4. Stop by Rexburg's appliance store, Bingham and Son's. Because I am a super rich college student, my main hobby is shopping for refrigerators. I spent at least half an hour helping my mom pick the best fridge. (False. My mom researched refrigerators, and I went around the store opening the doors of each fridge, praying there was actually food in one of them.)

5. Visit the Rexburg LDS Temple. This item actually belongs on the 'Awesome' list instead of the 'averagely cool' list. No matter where you are in the world, you can always feel the Spirit when you visit.

6. Drive down Pole Line Road. This road is the epitome of middle of nowhere. One minute you're driving by houses, and the next minute you're surrounded by hay bales and can see fields for miles.

 7. Shop at your neighborhood Wal Mart. Among other things, I found a great locker chandelier. I only wish I was back in high school so I actually had a locker to hang it in.

 

8. Eat breakfast at the local hotel. Every morning I went down for breakfast, there were mini Nutella packets to put on your bagels. This is by far one of the best things that T-Rex has to offer, and we took full advantage. My brother took the liberty of spreading Nutella not just over his bagels, but his ham, sausage, and eggs as well.

9. Pick an apple from the orchard on the campus of BYU-Idaho. I felt just like I was back in Provo since there was no parking on campus, but the orchard was beautiful. One of my favorite Greek Proverbs (also probably the only Greek Proverb I know) says that "A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."

 

10. Visit the newly established Hardy household. This one also belongs on the 'Awesome' list. My mom's cooking is the best, my dad will give you great advice, and my siblings will make you laugh so hard you can cry. There is also a literal cupboard under the stairs, which is apparently my room, which I share with the Christmas decorations.

If you did everything on this list, it would probably take you AT LEAST 39 minutes, so you would probably also have time for other cool things that I failed to mention such as going to the gas station and squinting through the fields to see an actual mountain. Unfortunately I was only there for 4 days, so I could only complete things list approximately 57 times. As much as I like to tease T-Rex, the really great thing about the town is the people. From the person that helped install the blinds to the landscaper, each person welcomed us here with a kind smile. I hope they appreciate that they just inherited even more great people this month.