More Sleep, Less Selfies

    Daylight Savings Time left many people waking up exhausted and groggy. Many people use it as an excuse for anything. You woke up late? It's because of Daylight Savings. You want to go to bed at 7:00? Daylight Savings. You didn't empty the dishwasher? Daylight Savings. That person you really like but have never talked to didn't profess their love to you today? That darn Daylight Savings! This seems to last for the rest of March as people liberally blame all their woes on a loss of an hour. Everyone complains about losing a precious hour of sleep. However, I never miss an hour of sleep. Instead, I choose to lose an hour of something useless or boring. Why miss an hour of sleep when you can miss an hour of your second cousin's girlfriend's neighbor's baby shower instead? Here are a few things I suggest skipping before you skimp on your sleep:     

Eating Healthy Food: There are thousands of articles saying that celery is a negative calorie food, because it takes so many calories to chew that you don’t even gain any when you eat it. That’s pretty cool, unless you actually try to eat it. Celery takes way too long to eat. It’s way too crunchy and loud, and I would starve to death before finishing an entire stalk. The same goes for carrots. To save time, eat something less time consuming, such as cookie butter. This can be conveniently eaten by the spoonful and it’s one of my all-time favorite joys in life. When I was first introduced to it, I came to class the next day and informed the other people sitting around me that something life changing had happened to me. My professor overheard me and announced to the class that I had a big life event happen that he wanted me to share with the class. A few gasps were heard as people thought I was announcing a mission call or an engagement. I spent the next few minutes discussing the discovery of Speculoos’s Cookie Butter from Trader Joe’s. Needless to say, I felt slightly embarrassed for the girl in my next class who stood up to announce her engagement.

Using unneeded materials: Eat ice cream straight from the container. Drink milk straight from the carton. Eliminating scooping ice cream and washing the bowl will save you at least 37 seconds of time.

Selfies: I will be the first to tell you that YOU are beautiful. You're a wonderful person, and you are probably really great at coming up clever hashtags. #SelfieSunday? That's true poetry right there. #FlashbackFriday? No one is as good with alliterations as you. However, I firmly believe if you sacrifice one or two solid selfies a month, you can catch up on that hour of sleep. If you’re lucky, someone will snap a picture while you’re sleeping and caption it, “Caught the bae sleeping. #SleepingBeauty”

Trying to have Super Powers: You are super. You can do super things. You can smile at people and make people feel good about themselves and stand up for what you believe in. You can hold open a door or write a thank you note. If you’re Kyle Collinsworth and are reading this, you can break the NCAA record for triple-doubles in a basketball season. Go Cougs! The point is, you’re super and can do super things. That being said, stop trying to force your super powers and see MULTIPLE COLORS OF THAT DRESS THAT DESTROYED THE INTERNET. 

Changing the Clocks: Because of Daylight Savings, every 6 months time is spent finding all the clocks you own and changing them to the right time. When I was a wee child (see also: last year) I didn’t know how to change my clock in my car. Instead of reading the user’s manual in my car, I just left it for 6 months until the time was correct again. At least 2 minutes of my life was saved. (It would’ve been 5, but time was lost during those six months trying to remember what the time actually was.)

Throwing Valuable Items Away: When President’s Day rolled around, Katherine and I decided we wanted to celebrate it right. Everyone kept posting pictures of their Valentine’s Day celebrations, but hardly anyone remembered to post a picture of their favorite Founding Fathers! Unfortunately, our carefully hand crafted President’s Day costumes were nowhere to be found, so new costumes were made.

After taking all these steps, you’ve probably saved at least SEVEN hours, so go do something great with them. (In this case ‘great’ means leaving Café Rio burritos on my doorstep.)