Lagoon's Newest Terror: Kiddieland

Let me be the first to say that I have a lot of fears. I live right next to the mountains, but I see no reason why it would be anywhere near exciting to strap your feet to a board and fly practically vertically down a CLIFF. I’m not sure why anyone would bother climbing 40 feet in the air to the highest platform at the swimming pool if there is one 2 feet above the ground. In fact, I’m not even sure why there are people still living in Florida, because seriously, haven’t they seen the youtube video where the alligator comes right in someone’s doggie door?!

However, there is one thing that I am confident in (or at least was, until last week) and it is that I am not afraid of roller coasters. I don’t spend a lot of time at amusement parks, but I’ve made a handful of trips to Lagoon, and a trip to Disneyland. (That trip ended with me sobbing and wailing as loudly as I could, wondering why on earth my parents wouldn’t let me ride the Monorail. Lots of people stared, either wondering why my parents wouldn’t let me ride the monarail, or why I wanted to ride the monorail in the first place, which apparently is similar to riding an incredibly sluggish TRAX train. Either way, it was another Rachel Hardy tantrum for the books, so obviously it was a success. Sidenote: I was definitely 4 years old when this happened. Everyone knows that responsible adults only have temper tantrums about mature, adult things, like who has to take out the trash, or whose turn it is to mow the lawn.)

Anyway, this past week was my brother’s fifth grade Lagoon Day and I got to take him! He is one of the funnest people to hang out with, and I sure have missed spending so much time with him since I’ve moved to college. I ended up taking my sister, my brother, and a friend of his from school. I was the oldest one of the group, so naturally this makes me the bravest. I informed them on the drive up that I would go with them on any ride they wanted. My brother took full advantage of that, picking the biggest and scariest rides in the park. I figured that if an eleven year old could go on them, so could I. What I did not expect was the wails and screams that apparently emitted from my voicebox during the rides. As our group was flying further and further into the air, I panicked more and more, and my sibling laughed louder and louder. Because it was raining so hard, there were no lines at all. Once I stumbled off one ride, my brother was pulling me towards the next loop-de-loop. Sometimes we wouldn’t even get off the ride and the ride attendant would let us go multiple times.

Once I got on stable ground again, my brother wanted to go on a ride on the other side of the park, so we started walking in that direction, and on the way we crossed through Kiddieland. My brother spotted the Dinosaur Drop Ride and insisted that we go on it. For those familiar with Lagoon, this ride is a small child’s version of the Rocket. You strap yourself into a seat, and the seat moves vertically, all the way up to the top of the ride, and then drops quickly. I told my brother that this was a kid’s ride, and we were both way too tall to ride it. The ride attendant heard us, and said it was okay for us to ride, so I stood in line to wait for what looked to be the most boring ride of the century. Why waste your time on a mini version of a ride if you could go on the real thing? Kiddieland also prides itself in playing annoying, condescending music in order to infuriate responsible, mature adults like me who are way too good for these rides. What I didn’t know when I was putting the safety harness around me was that I was literally securing myself so I wouldn’t fall off this deadly ride. When the ride started, I was certain this ride would be the same thrill level as walking to school. Unfortunately, the ride for some reason did NOT stop at a normal, kiddieride level, and continued to rise until we were as tall as the tree tops. Let me just give you a mental picture: not only were we higher in the air than the Merry-go-round, but we were also above the Ladybug Bop! My shrieks were heard throughout the park as I was certain the ride was broken: no kiddieland ride should be that horrifying. Apparently the ride was in perfect order though, because in the middle of my screaming I could hear the laughter and joy of a couple of 11 year olds. As we continued to shoot up and down, I continued to yell, until the ride attendant below asked, “Hey, are you alright?!” It took all I had to inform her that NO, I was NOT alright, because who pays someone to send them flying 15 feet into the air?!  Then I realized that yes, I was only 15 feet in the air, on a ride made for 6 year olds. If my hands weren’t holding so tightly on the harness, I would have made a quick call to Barack Obama, letting him know the terrors that are available to children nowadays. What on earth were all these toddlers thinking?! As soon as the ride ended I quickly hurried to the exit, making sure that I did not make any eye contact with the teenagers running the ride.

I wish the story ended there, but my brother then wanted to go on Flying Aces, yet another child ride. Surely this one would be nice and calm one, since a bunch of kids got off it laughing with joy, as if they had just won a new tricycle or something. My brother and I shared a small airplane compartment, and the ride swings in a circle. Just as the ride is about to end, I started feeling a bit under the weather. I kept trying to tell myself I was feeling sick because I was so happy: spinning around in a tiny metal compartment brings WAY too much happiness to handle. But, like most things that day, things were not going my way, and the sandwich that I had eaten for lunch ended up on the pavement beneath the ride. After the ride ended I quickly exited the premises and wished the ride attendant an EXTREMELY lovely day, which we both knew was not going to happen since I just ruined her ride.

If there's one thing that I learned from this trip, it's that children these days are MANIACS. Get ready for a generation of ravenous thrill seekers, world. Who knows what these reckless kids will be doing next, probably scootering without helmets or something. I've finally met my match, and my match is Kiddieland.