Tour de France: Scooter Style

You could say that I’m a pretty hard core person. (I am pretending, of course, that the post I wrote about the fiasco at Kiddieland does not exist) Sometimes I walk up the stairs next to the Richards Building without stopping. Other times I eat yogurt on which the best by date was five days prior. (That was an accident, but whatever.)  Most recently, I have had the chance to join a scooter gang. (I suggested the name Transportation Club in order to not be so exclusive and also so people would not confuse me with a mob boss or something, but this idea was quickly vetoed by the rest of the members) Naturally, the crew consists of two of my all-time favorite people, Cami and Emmie.

Emmie’s birthday was last week, so we did what every college student does on their birthday and hit the pavement with our scooters and headed to Guru’s for dinner. (At least, that’s what I assume hip college students do on their birthdays. I obviously hang out with my parents more than your average adult, because I am still learning what the cool cats do. #YOLO) Apparently when you see someone scooter to a restaurant it is totally acceptable to stare at them like they’ve showed up to the BYU testing center in leggings. That’s okay, judge away, gas guzzling folks. To be honest, I was surprised that they were giving us looks of judgement instead of looks of terror. We are a pretty rough looking scooter crew, after all.

After dinner we scootered through the city and headed to a rooftop concert. We continued to get lots of weird looks, and then someone finally broke the ice:

“Hey, are those your scooters?”

“Yeah, they are!”

“Oh, fun! I used to have a Razor scooter back when it was cool. Like when I was eight.”

AND THEN HE WALKED AWAY LIKE HE HADN’T JUST INSULTED MYSELF, MY ANCESTORS, ALL THAT I STAND FOR, AND THE SCARIEST CREW THAT HAS HIT THE STREETS OF PROVO.

There are a few things that you should never say to someone:

1. “Are you pregnant?” If you have to ask, you’re probably wrong.

2. “Man, you sure look tired today.” This is an easy way of insulting someone without actually using the words, “You look terrible.”

3. “Is there anything I can do to help you?” For those naive people out there, this is a big no-no to say because then people think you’re serious instead of just asking so you can appear to be nice, and then you’ll actually have to do something that you probably hate.

4. “You seem to be disgruntled.” Side story on this one: during high school, I created a twitter account for my school’s National Honor Society. Yes, I know, I am beyond helpful. Besides tweeting about the society’s meetings, I also included a few tweets that may have seemed a bit smart alecky, such as, ‘I wonder what it must feel like to be average’ or ‘Calculus homework is way too easy today. #Goodluckrestoftheclass #youwillneedit.’ This, of course, was all a joke, and I created the account with the permission of the NHS advisor. Apparently some people weren’t that pleased with it, and contacted my advisor, saying that it seemed to be a  ‘witty but disgruntled’ student that had created it and that I needed to be found. I thought this was hilarious, and my public relations career was over before I even graduated. A few weeks later I was reading in the newspaper, and I found the headline with the word disgruntled in it, so I figured I would read it, because us disgruntled people all have to stick together, right? I read the title: Disgruntled Shopper Attacks Customer at WalMart. WHAT?!? The same adjective for a maniac shopper can be used for a girl with a twitter account?! I don’t think so. The only time you should be calling someone disgruntled is right after they have been handcuffed and sent to prison for life.  

5. “Hey, I used to have a Razor Scooter, back when it was cool.” Quick Public Service Announcement, folks: RAZOR SCOOTERS NEVER STOPPED BEING COOL.

To live underappreciated in this world can be sad, specifically if they’re trying to insult your completely cool mode of transportation. (And especially if it’s a jet pack.) The best thing about life is that you can scooter away all your problems.

(Unless you scooter down Provo Canyon on a Saturday like Cami and I did, which apparently is where the Tour de France is held and the entire nation shows up to cruise past you down the trail.)