Pardon My French: Things People Should Never Say

If I was the president of the world, there would be a few things people wouldn't be allowed to say. Teachers wouldn't be able to give unnecessary lectures about how you shouldn't start a project the night before it's due, and dentists wouldn't be allowed to tell your parents that you've neglected to floss for the past 37 months and therefore have a mouth full of cavities. Unfortunately I have been a little too busy to be campaigning for president, but in the meantime I have created a list of things that have actually been said to me in the past month that would not be okay under my rule:

1.When my birthday rolled around I went to the DMV to renew my driver's license. I gave the man at the front desk my documents and sat down to get my picture taken. After the man instructed me to say cheese and the camera clicked, he said, "Looks great! Let's just...oh. Sweetheart, you have a darling smile, but we're going to need to take that one again." Apparently when I smile too big, it's a tad bit difficult to see my eyes, so the man told me to not smile as big. Sorry world, I am apparently too happy to have a driver's license. He took the picture again, this time with me trying to smile with my eyes wide open, which slightly resembled a face that Ronald McDonald would make. The man looked at the picture, then up and me, and said, "Um, okay. We'll see." The Ronald McDonald photo is now on my license. I wish I could say that this was the only time I've ever had to try to take a good driver's license picture multiple times, but when I first got my permit the lady taking the picture sat me down and told me, "No big smiles." When she was just about to snap the picture, my mom jumped in to fix my hair, so the picture ended up being a nice memory of my mom always having my back. (At least that's what I thought, until the grumpy DMV lady deleted it and insisted we take a new one.) By that time I was laughing so hard that my eyes couldn't be seen at all.   

2. How's everything going, sir? This is something completely fine to say to a man on the subway, a father waiting for his meal at a restaurant, one of those 9 year old prodigy billionaires who thinks they need a butler, or a grandpa playing golf. This is NOT something that should be said to a college girl at the grocery store. But after the cashier asked me this, I flipped my hair and girlishly giggled as I daintily swiped my debit card to pay for my groceries. Then I happily pranced off with my food. By the time that I got home, I realized I had devastatingly left a bag of groceries at the store. But I refused to go retrieve it because I AM APPARENTLY VERY MANLY AND HUNT FOR FOOD ON MY OWN. Really though, I didn't go back to get my last bag of groceries because I figured that an establishment that mistook me for a man is also probably an establishment that would want to poison me.

3. What's that smell? Again, this phrase is okay in specific cases, like if someone has bought you a surprise burrito and they are giving it to you as a surprise. You should not have to ask yourself, however, what the stench emitting from your backpack is, because you should NOT have left oranges at the bottom of your backpack for a month. In the morning when I pack my lunches I think I'm being really awesome because I'm being healthy by packing fresh fruits and vegetables, but let me say that this has only ended in pain, heartache, and toxic fumes. I formally apologize to the people I take classes with and the entire campus of BYU. Fermented orange juice is on me.

4. "Rachel, this looks like something you would definitely wear!" This sentence is usually proceeded by someone holding up some weird sweater that looks like it was knit out of rodent hair. There truly is no better way to tell someone that their style was actually never in style.

4. Check Engine Soon. The 'Check Engine Soon' light in my car is almost there as often as the steering wheel is. It turned on years ago, and every time I go get it fixed it turns right back on again. I now use the word 'soon' very relatively. For example, some people say, "I'll see you soon." when they are five minutes away from their friend's house, but then you hear reports about how 'soon global warming will destroy our entire atmosphere'. I prefer to take the global warming approach, and take my car in to get fixed as little as possible. I learned this week when the light randomly turned off that 'Check Engine Soon' actually means to check your engine soon, or wait 11 months and it'll all get figured out on its own.

5. People often use air quotes when they are saying something that they don't believe themselves. For example, I would use air quotes when saying, "Eating eight donuts for breakfast is a bad idea." I usually use my 'why am I surrounded by fools?' tone of voice and then attempt to roll my eyes so hard that they get close to falling out of their sockets. This, however, that I found at the school I teach at, was not the best use of quotes:

I'm sure the students would "love" to have "yummy" pumpkin pie. I'm sure they would also "love" if the whipped cream was made of brussel sprouts. Quotes just add confusion and sarcasm.

In case you are reading this and thinking that I'm only accusing others, please know that I asked a group of guys today how their freshman year was going, when it turns out they are in their third year. Needless to say, that was the end of the conversation.

May you all have perfect driver's license pictures on the first try.