I'd Rather Have a Yacht: A Valentine's Day Guide

    Many people have very specific feelings about Valentine’s Day. Some people love it, some people hate it. Some sit at their homes hoping that an attractive individual they’ve never met is going to ring their doorbell with a bouquet of flowers, and others spend their time weeping through the pages of Twilight. It’s an odd holiday. I, for one, am fairly indifferent. Certainly I enjoy a good holiday, particularly if it includes free chocolate and people watching at the grocery store where grown men are trying to decide between buying a 4 foot tall stuffed owl holding a sign reading, ‘Owl always love you’ and a ginormous stuffed toad with a sign reading, ‘Valentine, you’re toadly awesome.’ However, I do think celebrating a holiday that features a baby with a bow and arrow is creepy and also incredibly dangerous. There are people out there who are spending hundreds of dollars to “baby-proof” their homes with window locks, stove top knobs, and baby gates, but no one seems to bat an eye when they see a picture of an infant with a stick sharpened enough to spear someone. Whatever. Because I would consider myself to have a very successful love life (I once sat through 24 minutes of A Walk to Remember, I spoke more than 4 words to a male in June 2011, and someone once left me a stuffed bunny on my porch, which was probably from my young women’s leaders, but there was no name on it so there is no proof it wasn’t from a boy) I decided to create a list of tips for celebrating this Valentine’s Day.

Tip #1. If you’re single, avoid getting defensive. For every unmarried, single adult, there are 57 married adults asking why they’re not married. Questions like these are often followed with observations of what’s exactly wrong with said unmarried person and advice that is usually as helpful as a lifeguard yelling down to a drowning swimmer to ‘swim harder.’ My personal favorite was when someone told me to at least try to get married this year. If you don’t have a sense of humor, it’s easy to take offense to comments like these. While filling out my taxes, I came across a page where I had to state whether I was married or single. Next to the question read the words “Explain this’. EXPLAIN THIS? EXPLAIN why I’m not married? I began to tick off the reasons: I’m so intelligent I make others feel like dullards. Similar to the sun, my beauty is blinding to others. No one wants to marry a person who would rather travel via elephant than car. In the middle of creating my list, I realized that the ‘Explain this’ portion of my tax form was probably not a free response question, but an explanation for people who get confused when filing their taxes.

Tip #2. Whether you’re single or married, everyone should stop using the word ‘bae.’ For those who aren’t familiar, bae is a word meaning ‘before anyone else.’ People have started using it to describe their significant other, but the only time this word is appropriately used is when saying, “Pizza is bae.” (This is used when your mouth is full of pizza, preferably of the deep dish Chicago variety, and saying “before anyone else” is impossible.)

Tip #3. Some people take Valentine’s Day seriously. Respect that. Every February while in elementary school my mother purchased a box of Valentines cards for me to address to each student in my class. No matter if they were Spongebob, Harry Potter, or Spiderman cards, I always made sure to read the prewritten message on the card carefully and decide which friend should get which card. After all, I wasn’t going to give the boy I secretly liked a card with a secondary character like Hagrid on it that read, “I hope your Valentine’s Day is magical.” Saying something like that is equivalent to someone writing the acronym for ‘have a great summer’, ‘HAGS’, in your high school yearbook. Instead I firmly believed that my crush deserved a card with a main character displayed on the front with a clever and flirty saying such as, “You’ve put a spell on me, Valentine.” On the subject of cards, make sure there is candy on them, or it’s just a waste of paper altogether.  

Tip #4. Take good care of your Valentines cards. Regifting cards rarely works out. When I was in the fifth grade, I gave out Finding Nemo cards, very carefully addressing a very thoughtful card with the fish, Dory, on it to the boy I liked. When it came time to drop each Valentine in my fellow classmates’ boxes, I realized I couldn’t find that particular Valentine. I panicked. Valentine’s Day would be a waste without that card. Desperate times called for desperate measures. I grabbed a Valentine I had previously addressed to someone else, scribbled their name out, and wrote the name of the boy that I liked on the card. To this day I firmly believe the reason we’re not married is because instead of a funny Dory card, I had to give him a card with the clown fish, Marlin, on it, probably next to an ultra-lame and unromantic saying.

Tip # 5. If you’re going to spend your Valentine’s Day feeling lonely and unloved, find a Valentine. This first step is learning to talk to the opposite gender. (Please refer to the image above featuring my incredibly intelligent brother) If you’re going to spend your day alone, but not feeling lonely and unloved, the great news is that you don’t even need to learn how to interact with other individuals! All awkwardness is suddenly gone.  

 

Tip #6. There’s something about Valentine’s Day that makes people obsessed with the shape of a heart. Just because it includes hearts, people think it makes a great gift. Don’t buy a gigantic stuffed penguin just because it’s holding a heart. Time doesn’t need to be spent cutting your sweetheart’s sandwich into a heart, because then there is less sandwich to eat. Heart shaped boxes filled with chocolate taste the exact same as normal boxes of chocolate. Conversation hearts are disgusting. Better gift ideas: large sums of money, a helicopter, or a pet elephant. (If you’re really insistent on the heart shape idea, you can probably ask the elephant to make his trunk in the shape of a heart.)

Tip #7. Before you post something on social media think to yourself, “Do I really mean this?” Valentine’s Day is filled with Instagrams of red roses, engagements rings, and chocolates, all captioned with “I couldn’t be happier.” I fully endorse people being happy. However, could you really not be happier? A more realistic Instagram caption would read, “I am so happy my boyfriend brought me these roses. Nonetheless, I could be happier if he bought me a yacht. #blessed”

HAGS and Happy Valentine’s Day!