Neeley Christmas Card 2020

My favorite time of wrapping gifts, festive treats, and poorly made Lifetime movies is upon us. For every 10 minutes I watch in Lifetime Christmas movies, I inform Tyler I could definitely write a better script than anything I’ve seen. (I actually told him I could write a better script in 5 minutes. Unfortunately, after describing a Christmas Space themed movie in which one alien from Jupiter and one alien from Neptune fall in love over Christmas but can’t be together due to galactic tensions but are able to reunite under the snowfall on Mars on Christmas night, Tyler kindly told me “I’m not quite sure why this is taking place in Space.” so I’ve decided to give myself at least 15 minutes to come up with a superior plot.) With my Lifetime movie script out of the way, I now have plenty of time to write our Christmas Card.

2020 has been an eventful year. I started a new job as an Innovative Learning Coach for my school district. For those who stick around long enough for me to explain what that is, I tell them I coach teachers as they integrate technology into their classroom, but for those who don’t, I am happy to let them think I’m coach of the soccer team or something. My twelve year old self who always snuck off the dodgeball court and into the long line of people who were “out” even though a dodgeball hadn’t even come remotely near me always beams anytime someone actually thinks my coaching job is one of athleticism. I’m overjoyed to have gotten this job and my new team is amazing. It was bittersweet to leave my old school as the staff are some of my favorite people ever. Luckily, leaving the classroom was made slightly easier when I was cleaning out my student’s desks during the Covid shutdown and found one of my students had left an old carton of chocolate milk in his desk from March-June. (You may be thinking “Rachel, I’ve already heard this story about chocolate milk being left in your classroom for weeks at a time” because an almost identical experience has now happened in my class THREE TIMES while I’ve been teaching. To say my classroom is cursed would be an understatement, and I hope the incoming teacher had enough sense to carry Madame Zeroni to drink from the stream at the top of God’s Thumb before the school year began.) 

My new job still gives me plenty of time to interact with elementary students. When I went to a 2nd grade class to teach them how to code, a very skeptical student informed me that I would be required to buy him a soda if he didn’t enjoy coding. I told him no, but we settled on me burping in front of the class in case he didn’t enjoy the lesson. Luckily about 10 minutes into the lesson he informed me that he absolutely loved coding, so I was saved from public humiliation. I have not found any rotten chocolate milk at work and consider that to be my job’s biggest perk. 

Tyler continued working in his current job this year and earned an Employee of Merit award from the city. He sometimes doesn’t like to tell me about the recognition he receives at work because I apparently “make it too big of a deal.” In other news, I’m currently constructing  a 20 foot tall golden statue of Tyler in our front yard.

The ongoing pandemic hasn’t stopped us from taking a few nearby vacations. We visited family in Arizona over Labor Day and had a wonderful time with them. We went to the movie theaters to watch Tenet, which took a collective 84 hours after the movie to research what exactly happened during those two and a half hours. (After reading hundreds of articles that tried to explain what happened, my only understanding is that someone had a really weird dream and literally nothing made sense.) We got the chance to visit Zion and Bryce National Parks over Fall Break. We spent the morning and afternoons hiking, and the evenings watching the Atlanta Braves in the playoffs. (Condolences in the form of Oreos can be sent directly to Tyler)

This year has certainly been unusual, but I am so grateful for every adventure. Hopefully at this time next year, we’re all sitting together watching a spaced themed Lifetime Christmas movie.

Merry Christmas!

Lessons from Quarantine

After the social distancing measures were put in place and our lives were shaken upside down like an Etch-a-sketch in a matter of a few days, I saw tweets and articles touting all the geniuses who’d been isolated in their day and created masterpieces. Isaac Newton came up with the theory of gravity, Frida Kahlo painted her first self-portrait, and it’s speculated that Shakespeare wrote King Lear. What will be your masterpiece? they asked. What greatness will you achieve during your isolation? After almost one month at home, I’m pleased to announce a few things I have learned during my time of isolation.

Lots of new acronyms: A few  days after schools closed, my awesome 5th grade class and I started learning online. By far my favorite part of the experience has been still being able to connect and talk with my students through our Google Classroom. Unfortunately, often they will leave acronyms I have never seen. When I had a student send me “TYY” I had to decide whether my student was instructing me to ‘teach yourself yiddish’  or ‘teach yourself yodeling’. Either way, it’s clear my students are not impressed with my current hobby of still assigning them work. צום גליק, דער אינטערנעץ האָט מיר געהאָלפֿן צו ווערן גלאַט ייִדיש. (Luckily Google Translate is helping me pretend I speak Yiddish. I am sure my students will be ecstatic to find one of their lessons written entirely in this foreign language) Learning new acronyms has not only been happening in my classroom, but on Twitter. I will likely never disclose how long it took me to actually look up that ‘WHO’ stands for World Health Organization, but I will say that initially I thought it was odd that the Wizarding House Operations had so many ideas about social distancing.
                                   
Close all tabs before filming: To go along with our online learning, in the past few weeks I have been working on my lifelong dream of being a rich and famous Youtuber. While I am still patiently waiting for my converting customary measurement video to go viral, I have learned a lot of helpful tips and tricks to be a good Youtuber. First and foremost, I now close out of my bank account tabs before I start sharing my screen, avoiding recording all my personal account information and the fact that I went to Cafe Rio again.

The symptoms for COVID-19: Along with my morning ritual of brushing my teeth and eating breakfast, I have worked into my daily routine a clearing of my throat that makes me question my health entirely. Do I have a sore throat coming on? Are my headaches a sign of something more sinister than staring at my computer screen for 12 hours straight? Is my strategy of strictly snacking on sugary foods failing me?! As my morning tailspins and I quickly Google the symptoms, I am pleased to announce that after 27 times of doing this, I have the symptoms memorized. (Not that it will stop me from Googling it, but whatever.) 

A schedule that works for me: As many employees made the shift of working from home, some struggled with keeping the same productivity level and motivation. Helpful people on the internet shared their tips and schedules-making sure you get ready for the day, exercising, making your own office space, eating at the same time each day, etc. Unfortunately this was slightly too organized for someone like me who has the high hopes and aspirations of binge watching every show to ever be created, and I took more comfort in those who posted their schedule including lengthy sessions of napping, television and reading. I decided to pick a happy medium between the two types of schedules, and have organized my evenings into planned TV watching. This way, my 6pm-8 game shows never interfere with my rotating sitcom/drama/documentaries from 8-10. Obviously, I fall into the ‘highly productive’ category of isolation. 

As you can clearly see, while Isaac Newton developed one theory, I have actually learned four amazing things during isolation, and I’m just getting started! You be the judge of who’s the real genius. And if you’re not feeling productive? Don’t worry. Lots of amazing things like the Internet, trampolines, and do-it-yourself popcorn butter dispensers at the movie theaters were all created out of isolation.

Expectations for 2030

I will ask the questions that everyone has been thinking since the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2020: Where are our flying cars? Where are our personalized jet packs? Why I am still worried about the “Check Tire Pressure” light that flickered on in my car this afternoon when I was fully anticipating flying back to school on the first day back from winter break? It seems some of our hopes and dreams for the year 2020 haven’t fully been realized yet. Yes, there have been some amazing advances in technology in the past ten years, but perhaps there was a little too much focus on sending 17,000 personalized ads about cookie scoops to someone who only googled cookie scoops ONE TIME. To avoid disappointment when it comes to the year 2030, I have come up with some more *reasonable* expectations of things I hope develop over the next 10 years. 

1. I would love for this to be the year that kale doesn’t taste bad. The only time I enjoy eating kale is when it is drowning in cream. If kale ice cream becomes a thing, I will go directly to Costco to sample it.

2. Self-watering houseplants would be a great invention. The majority of 2019 was spent ignoring my houseplants and telling myself that they’re the kind of plants that only need to be watered monthly, and the rest was spent overwatering my plants, desperately trying to revive a brown, dead, clump of dirt.

3. I, for one, would not mind if tissue paper that is stuffed in gift bags became a thing of the past. Does anyone else feel weird buying this stuff? It’s like buying paper that’s going to go directly into the trash can because it’s been wrinkled once to fit in a bag. Perhaps we can start using all those political ads delivered to our door as tissue paper.

4. It’s the year 2020. THIS IS THE YEAR APPLE NEEDS TO START MAKING LONG CHARGING CORDS. I am currently typing this from the floor, but on the plus side it will make for a warm greeting when Tyler gets home and I jump out from the shadows like a hyena. 

5. Many people know I like to watch sports, but unless you have watched a game with me you probably didn’t know that I am a court critic. My little brother Tim and I keep a running document of the worst courts and fields and discuss rankings regularly. My hope for 2020 is that we have less courts that qualify themselves for our list. (And if that Utah Jazz decide to build a parquet court I vow to listen to all the games on the radio.) 

6. When I was in middle school, I was obsessed with the movie National Treasure. The first day I watched it, I watched it twice because I was just that excited. Once the second movie came out I was just as excited, and as it left things on a cliffhanger I couldn’t wait for the third. At least once a week I would come home and launch a full blown investigation, reading every article possible on production rumors on the next movie. Nicholas Cage, it’s time. 

Cheers to the New Year! 

Rerouting: A California Blog

To say I love vacation would be an understatement. When I was growing up, each dinner conversation about daily activities, friends, and homework was put on pause as I practically yelled from excitement, “Where are we going on our vacation?!” We usually only traveled in the summer, and I would ask beginning in the fall, so my family had many dinner conversations of this to endure. Traveling has been a passion of mine for many reasons, ranging from not having to go to work to the delicious waffles you can prepare for yourself at continental breakfasts. Traveling is also enjoyable to me because you get to learn things about a place that you may not learn by a simple Google search. For Fall Break, Tyler and I went to Los Angeles, which I hadn’t visited in years, so I compiled a list of things I learned there.

The fact that the traffic is not deemed a national emergency is shocking to me. I would say traffic is terrible, but the word “terrible” is too positive to describe it. I had been told traffic would be bad, so my expectations were low. Once we got to LA, however, I realized how optimistic I had been. How do people get places there? I spent the majority of our trip trying to figure out how many celebrities live there. How are you on time to your movies you are filming? Do you have some sort of elite celebrity underground freeway system? How does every Hollywood red carpet interview not start off with a celebrity desperately trying to fan the sweat off their face from having to run the last 19 miles in their formal wear? (I know there are a lot of A-list celebrities that read my blog, so please either comment or drop a pin for me so I can find said celebrity freeway.)

The witches and wizards of Harry Potter are apparently all children of Jeff Bezos. On our first day of adventuring through Los Angeles, Tyler and I went to Universal Studios. As we are both Harry Potter fans, we reread the books last summer and decided we needed to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Perhaps it was written in magical invisible ink in the margins of one of the first chapters of the series, but somewhere it must mention that the wizards and witches attending Hogwarts are secret billionaires. Why do I say this? Because when we stopped in to the Three Broomsticks to order lunch and some butterbeer, the cost of our meal came to the same price as OUR GROCERY BILL FOR THE WEEK. FOR ONE MEAL. WITH NO LEFTOVERS. I remember watching The Sorcerer’s Stone and being in awe of the scene where Hagrid takes Harry to Gringotts to find that his parents left him stacks and stacks of gold. I thought they must have left him millions, but turns out they left him just enough to buy one butterbeer, but certainly not enough to get that butterbeer in a collector’s item cup. 

Warner Brother’s Need to Invest in Plastic Mugs: Anther fun stop we made was to the Warner Brother’s Studio Tour. We got to see sets for TV shows, props for movies, and drive past a lot of people I thought were celebrities until I realized that the celebrities were probably all enjoying their underground freeway. Unfortunately I am not allowed to disclose much of the information I learned on this tour as it may spoil shows that are not out yet, but all I will say is that when you see the bookshelf that is in the revamp of Lizzie McGuire, you will all go *CRAZY*. We also got to sit in the set of Friends, where an employee kindly took our picture. She was telling us how to pose and told us to clink the ceramic mugs together. As the good people are, we obliged, and as the good but apparently oblivious people we are, we practically smashed the mugs together, almost breaking them. We quickly thanked the employee and hurried away before they made us pay for damages in butterbeer. 

California Needs More Music About Itself. (Yes, this is another traffic rant): There are a lot of songs dedicated to California. We found a playlist to listen to while we were driving from place to place, and it was great!...for the first portion of the trip. Sadly, not enough songs about California exist that we could listen to en route to the beach unless we listened to “It Never Rains in Southern California” 78 times on repeat. One night, we decided to go to the Griffith Observatory, which is in the movie La La Land. Obviously we had to listen to the soundtrack on the way there. It was less than five miles away, but we listened to the whole soundtrack, from start to finish, BEFORE WE EVEN GOT OFF SUNSET BOULEVARD. Not only is the traffic bad, but using Google Maps there is like being part of a weird, intense game of telephone. I would put a location in Maps, it would give us the directions, and we would be on our way. Once we got on the freeway, Maps would very quickly reroute us, claiming it had a faster route for us. I would go from telling Tyler he was fine to get in the far left lane to 13 seconds later panicking, “You have to get off this exit in 7 feet!!!” Once Tyler had maneuvered around the cars and safely gotten us of the exit, we would go on the new route for no more than 4 minutes before the phone chirped again, “REROUTING!” By the 819th reroute, we decided we would not be moving to California anytime soon. 

All in all, it was a great trip that gave me a greater appreciation for the warriors who work in the California division of Google Maps. 

Ode to Summer

Labor Day always feels like an end of summer celebration to me. It’s a final goodbye to the lazy mornings, hot days, and long nights of the past couple of months. (Even though the blazing hot summer seems to continue right up until the first snowstorm of the year) Although autumn is clearly the superior season, summer has given me a lot to be thankful for: 

Thanks for the water still stuck in my ear: There are many things I am not good at. (See also: tennis) Perhaps this is why when I find something I’m great at, I celebrate it even if it’s weird or unimportant. For example, the eye doctor I had growing up always told me I have amazing retinas. After every eye appointment, I took it upon myself to let every family member know that even though I am blind as a bat, MY retinas are incredible. (Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when I went to a new doctor this past year and the doctor didn’t use any words like “spectacular” or “marvelous” or “America’s Top Retina Model” and instead used words like “You can see our secretary for your payment” and “Please get out of the chair. We have other patients.”)  Along with great retinas, another odd thing I am proud of is my underwater handstands. I can’t actually do a handstand on land, which is maybe why I’m pleased as punch that I can do one underwater. I always beat my siblings at handstand contests, and when Tyler and I went to the pool this summer I was eager to show off my skills. After coming up from the water, however, one of my ears was all plugged up. This didn’t worry me too much, because usually it drains out of my ear in an hour or two. Alas, a few hours later my ear was still plugged, and it felt like the entire Pacific Ocean, sea creatures and all, were residing in my ear canal. The next morning it felt like I was still underwater, with a bowling ball somehow lodged inside. I sadly realized I would need to call the doctor. How many people in their 20’s are calling their doctor because of an underwater handstand incident? Am I aging too quickly? How is someone mature enough to pay their bills and floss consistently for the two weeks leading up to a dentist appointment so they can claim they floss “all the time” calling for something seven year old Rachel was doing all summer? Luckily the doctor refrained from laughing, prescribed me with some medication, and I spent the rest of the summer going through a midlife crisis.  

Thanks for the 40 Lost Tennis Sets: My family is a group of very casual tennis players. When I was growing up, we would go play on the summer holidays, like Memorial Day or the 4th of July, but I never played regularly enough to actually be any good. In fact, I didn’t even take the time to learn the scoring or rules until this year, as hitting the ball back and forth was good enough for me. This summer, my brother Tim and I decided we were going to play more often, so every morning we would walk over to the park and play some games. At the beginning I was truly awful, and I would only win one or two games against him. The more we played, the more I improved. I would go as far to say that I moved all the way from “tennis novice” to “inexperienced tennis player”. I started winning more games, but would still lose the set. As I started to get better, my goal was to win at least one set before the end of the summer. That’s how every Disney movie ends, right? Someone is incredibly untalented, they work hard, and they finally succeed during the big game, usually with a marching band and fireworks to accompany the win, along with a flash forward of the main character playing in the major leagues. Unfortunately, it turns out this aspect of my life is one of those sad dramas where there is no uplifting message and on your way home you accidentally knock your popcorn refill all over the front seat of your best friend’s car. I took Tim to a tie-breaker a couple of times, but I never was able to win an entire set. No marching band, no fireworks, but I still haven’t ruled out the idea of playing professionally. Not tennis of course, but ESPN now shows professional corn hole matches. So while I will continue to enjoy tennis, I think my professional career of corn hole may be taking off during the 2020 season. 

Thanks for my continued world domination: In the end of July, Tyler and I were able to join my extended family in Steamboat Springs, Colorado for a family reunion. It was great to be able to see family, and I was able to slowly increase my army of followers as my adorable nephew decided he would name his new stuffed animal Rachel. We also hiked up Fish Creek Falls, which was fairly steep, and when we made it to the top I was completely exhausted, not wanting to take another step. As we turned around to begin the hike back, I saw my 80 year old grandpa hiking to the top with the same amount of energy a child has the night of Halloween. I’m not sure if I was more impressed with my grandpa or concerned that my hiking ability is declining as quickly as my ear.

All in all, it was a successful summer. Now that I have all the Hulu commercials memorized by heart, I’m officially ready for school to start. 

Winners and Losers of the 2018-2019 School Year

When I catch up with family or friends, often people ask me, “How’s teaching going?” I usually say things are going well, and we move on to other topics like the weather, or my new book idea, Rachel’s Art of the Deal, which is of course based on Donald Trump’s book and includes lots of tips and tricks about deals including pinky swears, crossing your fingers under the table, and obscure but totally legal deal tips. (So far no publisher has been willing, but when I get this printed, it will be HUUUGE.) I don’t avoid the topic of teaching because I’m not willing to share my thoughts, it’s more like I rarely can find the words to adequately explain it. How do you simply put into words what spending eight hours every day with a classroom full of eleven year olds is like? Of course, like many things, there are both joyful and difficult times. So, without further ado, I present to you the winners and losers of the 2018-2019 school year. 

Winner: My Students

After a few of my students consistently came to class tardy because they were talking to their friends in the hall, I had a chat with them about being on time. Unfortunately, the chat happened no more than half an hour before I was stopped on the way to class by one of my friends who wanted to catch up for a minute. By the time I made it to my hallway, the students I had talked to were standing in front of the line right outside my classroom with gigantic grins as they watched me speed down the hall as the bell rang. Luckily they were kind enough to leave a note on my computer, and neither of us was late after that. (That’s a lie. We were both late some days, but who’s counting?) 

Loser: Toll House

While we were reading a book in which a girl is dared to drink a raw egg, I felt the need to take a serious adult moment and let the kids know that they shouldn’t go around drinking raw eggs. I explained they could get salmonella poisoning, but also admitted to the fact that I certainly enjoy a good batch of cookie dough. (Excellent teachers contradict themselves, right?) I expected for the kids to also chime in about how they like cookie dough, but instead I saw a bunch of disgusted faces staring at me. Eventually a kid raised his hand and said, “Mrs. Neeley, you eat cookie dough? Someday we’re going to be looking in the newspaper and see you DIED because you ate COOKIE DOUGH?!” The unimpressed looks on their faces was almost enough for me to give up cookie dough for good. Good luck Toll House, but these kids will never be enjoying your finest product. 

Winner: Science Youtubers

After showing my students a video on Youtube of a guy doing a science experiment to start off our lesson, one of my students raised his hand and asked if he could see how many subscribers the Youtuber had. After checking, the boy burst out, enraged, “Seven thousand! WHAT?!? I post ACTUAL content! This guy is just posting science!!” My reply that maybe the student could start posting about science was quickly filed into the “boring adult comment” section and quickly ignored.   

Loser: Me

In the spring, a few giant trees were cut down on the field where my students go out to recess, and large branches were scattered everywhere. It was no concern to me at all, which was my first mistake. The students ran outside and began play colonists/American Indians which is apparently impossible without holding five feet long branches as walking sticks. Ah! My heart! They actually were paying attention in social studies! It took no longer than 7 minutes for the students to start arguing about who got to use the BEST sticks and who would be destined to the short, broken ones.  Sadly, my favorite management strategy of “let the students figure this one out” failed miserably as one day I noticed my students getting their lunches from the kitchen, walking straight to the garbage can to dump the entire tray, and sprinting outside to be one of the elite stick holders. I realized this was a time for me to step in. I followed the students outside, but regrettably I didn’t realize Usain Bolt was in my class, because once they were out the door they were already on the other side of the field, waving the sticks above their head like the Tusken Raiders from Star Wars. I called them over, along with the rest of the class who had just dumped their freshly made lunches into the dumpster and heartbreakingly realized they were too late to enjoy a blissful half hour of playing with branches, and let them all know that they were going to need to find a way to cooperate and share or the sticks would be banned. After a few minutes of healthy communication (yelling at each other and calling names) they came up with an agreement, and they were happy campers. I went inside feeling pleased as punch we worked that one out as a class, and there were no more problems with sticks after that. (Sidenote: there were MANY more problems with the sticks. After approximately 683 fights, 5 trillion tears, and three weeks of having discussions of  WHEN students could retrieve the sticks, WHO could use which stick, WHERE the students could hide the sticks, WHAT games they could play with the sticks, HOW they were going to locate the sticks after the pesky 4th graders had hidden them, etc. etc. etc., the sticks were banned and I made them play really boring and terrible things at recess like kickball and four square.)

Winner: Me

Teaching is the most difficult thing I have ever done. (This is a lie. After day 13 of the stick fiasco, I came home, discouraged and exhausted to find a PILE of snakes sitting on my porch steps. Going back outside was the most difficult thing any human being has accomplished to date.) But teaching is a lot easier when you’re surrounded by teammates who will go along with your Emperor’s New Groove Halloween costume, a room mom who thinks of the exact perfect way to decorate the classroom door, and a parent of a student who constantly brought me sodas after long days. I’m lucky to be surrounded by amazing people and an incredible class of students who were patient with me and taught me something new every day. The students I teach will always have a special place in my heart.   

HAGS!

2018 Christmas Card

Dear Friends and Family,

The annual argument continues in the Hardy household: who will get the most facetime in the family Christmas card? With my siblings having kids, applying for grad schools, baking mouth-watering treats for every family event, and my brother actually playing the clarinet that my parents bought for me after I abandoned it after only one year of use, it became clear to me that I would need to write my own card if I wanted to have my turn in the spotlight.

We began the year by moving into our new home. There are many perks of this wonderful apartment:  plenty of space, nice neighbors, homemade cinnamon rolls every Saturday morning, a seemingly never ending pantry, and a free trash service. I know what you’re thinking…. “Rachel, where did you find such a wonderful place? Can I put my name on a waiting list (because with a place that grand, how could there not be hundreds, if not thousands, of people wanting to live there) so I can live there, too? The simple answer would be no, because we live in my parents basement. (But a more complicated answer would be maybe, because technically there is a second bedroom we don’t use, and if my parents don’t read this letter then maybe we could lease out the bedroom for $3000 per month without them knowing, and I could quit my teaching job and become a retail tycoon) Anyway, we really did move into the basement, and whenever I mention it to my fifth grade class they all laugh because they imagine me as the stereotypical old person living in their parents basement, playing video games, and stealing their parents food. (I do go upstairs for random ingredients quite frequently, so they’re not too far off base) I know that living with your parents/in-laws gets a bad rap, but I was not joking about the cinnamon rolls. My dad makes them every Saturday and they are divine. Needless to say, things are going swimmingly.

The rest of the year brought some great things. In the beginning of February, my sister tried to get us tickets to see Hamilton, but was unsuccessful. Later that night I told Tyler that I had accepted the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see Hamilton until I was very old. Little did I know that he and his family had tried getting tickets for us that morning and had actually gotten some! For the next three months, there was an unspoken agreement with me and everyone else in the world that Hamilton would be the only thing I would have conversations about unless there was a dire emergency. Being able to see it was a dream and the perfect surprise.

2018 included some fun trips for Tyler and me. We visited Denver in the spring, and Arizona in the fall. While in Arizona we went to the BYU game, which we expected them to lose but they did not, which gave us false hope for the rest of the season. We visited Washington D.C. in October, where I was dismayed to find that President Trump does not wander around the National Mall as he tweets. I had some things to chat with him about, and now my only hope is that the people with camp chairs and  sound systems outside the White House will yell my ideas to him with their microphones.

Fall also brought Thanksgiving, which Tyler and I have both agreed is truly the best holiday of the year. I spent the day before making pies, and when everyone was devouring them my mother-in-law told me they were so good that I could open my own bakery, so I was feeling pretty good about myself, to say the least. It was somewhere around the time I was debating what I should call my new bakery (I believe I was deciding between the names “Pies...because that’s the only thing I can bake” and “Mediocre Meals”) that my sweet nephew, who is allergic to eggs,  threw up all over the couch. He was having an allergic reaction. To the pies. An allergic reaction to the pies that had egg in them. An allergic reaction to the pies that when I was asked if they had egg in them, I said no. EVEN THOUGH THE FIRST STEP IN PUMPKIN PIE IS “BEAT EGGS LIGHTLY.” Yes, I had totally forgotten they had eggs in them, and if I had a time machine I would use it to go speak with past Rachel, who at 9 years old gave a church talk that discussed how President Gordon B. Hinkley once said that “Now is the time for revolution!!” instead of “revelation”, and inform 9 year old me that a moment a LOT more embarrassing than that would be coming. Actually, I guess I would probably just use the time machine to go back an hour and remind myself there certainly IS egg in the pie, but whatever. Luckily, I married into one of the greatest families of all time, and they were all very nice about the whole thing. If I had a time machine, I’d go back to when I was worried about my dating life and tell myself, “Don’t worry! Eventually you’ll find the greatest person ever and he has the kindest family ever!” I think the moral of this little tale is that we need to let whoever is in charge of inventing time machines know that I need one ASAP.

Merry Christmas! May you all get plenty of coverage in your family’s Christmas card.

Love,

The Neeleys